Some quick thoughts, 11/7/19
Let's give this a try...
Some things on my mind right now:
I've been having a lot of "wins" lately. This has, understandably, brought a lot of joy and confidence into my life. But it's also been a source of anxiety: With wins come optimism and comfort, and with optimism and comfort comes a recognition that things can go badly and end those feelings in a hurry. I'm thankful for the positive things happening in my life, but I also have to recognize that life is like a river, it ebbs and flows. I've been in the hard times and the good times, and I've made it through both. I'll continue to persevere.
I had a meeting with my pharmacist today about Trikafta, the big-time new drug for people with CF. The conversation that comes with this drug is a good time for self-reflection. And my friend who had been on the clinical trials, in a moment of seriousness, encouraged me to track my feelings on the drug from day one. She’s been hyper-responsive to the drug, seeing an immense 25% lung function improvement, and her experience has been emotional, to say the least. She made this comment solemnly. The reality is that Trikafta is making people think of life differently.
None of us have any idea how long we will be alive. Most people prefer not to think about the lengths of their lives. Having cystic fibrosis means my mortality has been at the forefront of my mind for a while now. Combine that with depression and anxiety and you have an Everclear-strength cocktail of nihilism and existentialism. Weirdly enough, I’m thankful to think about my mortality so much. I think it’s made me a better writer, a better person, and has influenced the ways in which I decide my future.
I’ve questioned why I write for a while now. I hesitated to create a blog for a while out of fear that people would brand or judge me as narcissistic for thinking that others would ever care about my words. It’s strange — I’d support just about anybody else in their writing. Writing is beautiful to me; It allows somebody to convey the connections of their neurons in their brain in words. Not much art is like that. If somebody paints a forest, you can’t glean anything about their inner being from that, I don’t think. If somebody describes a forest, it’s different; You can see the things they focus on. Do they focus on describing the life in the forest, the trees, the insects, the rare bears? Or do they focus on the undergrowth, the dull colors, or the vibrant colors? I suppose a painting is similar, but writing allows for a natural progression, whereas a painting is sensory overload. Maybe I’m just envious I can’t paint.
When I think about my writing, my politics, my interests, or whatever else, there seems to be a common thread. The most interesting thing in the world is not the Sun, or black holes, or plants, or politics; It’s humans. Humans don’t make sense; Their existence alone is fascinating. Consciousness baffles scientists. Some scientists want to believe that we’re the mere product of the interactions of neurons in our brain, but it’s hard to argue that there doesn’t appear to be a bit more to human consciousness than that. Even the most rigorous of scientists talk about things with a passion that borders religious conviction.
I’m writing this because this format fits my brain well. Writing on my blog, trelarosa.com, intimidates me at times. I feel like each sentence has to be manicured and well-rounded. This format feels less structured. I want to use this to share my thoughts on life, on the world, on humans, on projects I’m working on, and to encourage people to interact directly back with me.
Right now, I’m working on a lot of cool projects that I’m very, very proud of. I’m proud of the people I’m working with, the goals we’re seeking to achieve, and the imprint on the world we intend to make.
The first of these projects—which I will disclose and will be sent directly to your email inbox so please be sure to provide feedback and share!—is a mental health awareness series I’m doing. For this series, I have almost twenty agreed contributors. Some will discuss their struggles to get help for their depression and anxiety, some will discuss OCD, substance abuse, and body image. We’ll even have a contribution by a couple of physicians and a medical student! I am so thankful for those that have agreed to be a part of it. I believe that talking about mental health is the number one way to smash the stigma and make a difference. In the next few weeks, I’ll share an overview of what the project looks like.
Thanks for supporting my writing. It means more to me than you could ever possibly know. I look forward to forging a deeper relationship with each and every one of you. Please respond with any comments or any advice on what you’d like to see from this.
TL